I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We're too hungover to prance.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
