Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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