I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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