I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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