when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
