I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
