I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
