even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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