Don't make out with my wife yet
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
