Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
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It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
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I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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