Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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