I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
