They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
