If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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