Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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