i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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