My Higher Power is John Stamos
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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