Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
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Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
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She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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