Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
