We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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