He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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