I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
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Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
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Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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