The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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