My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
