Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
