I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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