A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
