I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
