i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
