last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
