help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
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The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
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I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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