I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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