Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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