AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
