I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
