I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
