i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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