Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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