I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
