just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
