if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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