My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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