When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Alive.
So much puke
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
