I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
