if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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