me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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