nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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