i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
