Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
false alarm, still single
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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