lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So much rum. So many feels.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
