Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
