Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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