I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
