Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
