we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
