it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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