just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED