Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.