Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
