You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
